The Mummy (2017)

This is...interesting to say the least.

Director: Alex Kurtzman
Writers: David Koepp (Screenplay)
               Christopher McQuarrie (Screenplay)
               Dylan Kussman (Screenplay)
               Jon Spaihts (Screen Story)
               Alex Kurtzman (Screen Story)
               Jenny Lumet (Screen Story)
Runtime: 1hr 50minutes

Plot: I don't know, can't even really call it a reboot or anything because it's such a state. 

This was such a mess of a film, I really don't know what I can say about it other than it shouldn't have been called The Mummy, more like Tom Cruise gets into situations where he definitely should have died but didn't...with Ancient Egyptian Gods and zombies that look like they're from The Walking Dead. I know that's a mouthful but it's definitely a better title. I'm not sure what I can compliment about this film but I'm gonna try my best.

Easily the best thing in this film is the mummy herself, Sofia Boutella. I was watching Kingsmen (underrated film, might talk about it sometime) and she's fab in that and she's just as great if not better here. It's a shame that she was given a lead role in this because even though she's great, I don't feel like her talent was fully utilised and it's a shame because more people need to be aware of her. The design of her character is pretty cool too like the split eye thing is one of the coolest things I've seen in ages, the "tattoo's" covering her body are alright but the way they're put onto her looks cool as hell, even if it is CGI. She also has a very interesting backstory that feels rushed as hell, if they'd spent a little extra time on it, it could have been so much better than what it was.

Now on to the bad. Fuck me there's so much...

There seems to be a sort of competition as to who can give off the best British accent, Tom Cruise slips in and out of an English accent, Russel Crowe does it, Annabelle Wallis (Jenny) does it, and I think that Jenny is from England but...God, you really can't tell half the time.

There are zombies in this. Fuck knows why they went with the classic zombie design for some of some of Ahmanet's followers? Is that what they were? Shit, I don't know, all I know is that they're there, and they're really Walking Dead inspired, I'm nowhere near up to date on that show but I've kept up with the memes and I know who's dead, but I'm definitely aware of what the zombies on that show look like and someone in the design team must like that show because damn baby, that's too similar. When we were on our way home, Ben mentioned that some of the skeletons in an underwater scene had air bubbles coming from their mouths, signifying that they're breathing and during that scene I think I was more focused on this spot I'm getting on the bridge of my nose so I wasn't paying too much attention to it, but I think I saw something like that. If anyone's seen this and wants to confirm it then let me know ok?

"What were you talking about when you said Tom Cruise gets into situations where he should have died but didn't?" Sweet child, I'm getting there. Tom Cruise in this film gets flung about in near enough every direction and at almost every single thing imaginable. At one point during the climax, Ahmanet picks him up and throws him against this cement coffin thing, I don't think Tomb is the right word but we're gonna roll with what we got. As I said, she fully launches him towards this thing, and he hits it neck first and gets up ready to continue to the fight like...excuse me? Sweetie? You're dead after that. I don't care, you're dead. Another point in the climax she launches him and he hits it stomach first and goes limp, that alone should have at least busted his inner organs. Good fuck I mean...she puts some power into it and he hits this solid, cement block thing at no less than 50mph. He's dead or fatally injured. There's a lot more than that but those are the ones that stood out. There is a thin excuse for this, that being that Ahmanet has chosen Nick (Cruise) to be her "chosen one" to be the vessel for an Ancient Egyptian God of death...I think? And that protects him but...there's only so much power you can have before you think "time to put the boy out of his misery."

Russel Crowe. Russel Crowe plays Dr Henry Jekyll and Eddie Hyde. Yes. That Jekyll and Hyde. I'm not 100% certain how subtle they wanted to be when pushing this "evil vs humanity" thing that I think they were trying to push but...it's close to jumping the shark. Like...they almost jumped the shark but they kinda jumped, misjudged it and landed on the shark. What the hell does Jekyll & Hyde have to do with The Mummy? This is a reboot of the Brendan Frasier film right? Why is this character (characters if you wanna pick at hairs) even in a film that's supposed to deal with a nasty ass Ancient Egyptian? I just don't get it. Also, I've not read the book in a while and I'm sure the only thing I've ever seen to do with this character (characters) was in Extraordinary League of Gentlemen so...not much in film, but I'm sure that Jekyll "created" Hyde by fucking about and creates a potion allowing him to act on his nasty desires without the guilt? But the thing is, Jekyll here has a kind of injection to stop himself becoming the monster. Also, by giving his nasty side the name Hyde he can also escape the consequences of acting on said desires, yet here, both Jekyll and Hyde are fairly horrible people except Jekyll tries to justify it and Hyde tries to create an alliance. I just don't get the point in having this character in this film, it just raises so many questions that we're never gonna get answered.

Finally, there's a gross amount of sequel baiting at the end of this, I think it's Crowe who delivers the closing speech of the film about death and power and humanity vs evil and it's a jumbled mess, however, the way it's done, they're clearly sequel baiting but you see...this film (at the time of writing this) is at a solid 16% on Rotten Tomatoes so nobody is getting a sequel unless it becomes a cult classic years down the line and a sequel will be talked about when all these actors are eligible to claim their pensions. Don't sequel bait unless you have a genuinely solid film...actually no, just don't sequel bait, never sequel bait, you look greedy as hell.

There's also a moment in which an English man calls Tom Cruise a "wanker" after stepping out in front of his car or something, but like...having been English and living in England for the whole of my 19 years on Earth, the only time I've ever heard anyone call anyone else a wanker was when I was in school. Nobody calls anybody wanker anymore, we just call each other cunt. At least up North we do...down South they probably don't butttttttttttt we don't know exactly where in England they were when this happened so, we don't know what language that area uses. Plus I don't think censors would allow that word in film, which is sad, it's my favourite word outside bint and chourfleur, which is French for cauliflower. Why is that one of my favourite words? Because it's literally the only thing I've taken out of GCSE French, a class I didn't want to take but because of the options that we were given when choosing classes, I was stuck with it. Half the class probably didn't wanna do it but I wanted to do Drama and Spanish but couldn't because of a timetable clash and obviously, Drama won out. I might just write about my annoying experiences at school because I think it could be fun to write about and hopefully you'll enjoy it. It'd be different but I would be talking about my Drama classes too so it'll fit with the theme of the blog. Ramble over. Nobody calls anybody wanker anymore. Moving on.

While we were on our way home, I was thinking that this could have been better perceived if it wasn't attached to The Mummy franchise. It'd still be terrible but maybe not as bad as it is with this franchise attached to it. I dunno, maybe I'll go and see it again and try to disconnect the older films from this one, but just from this first viewing, I'd say that overall, this film was just a mess of different things that are either barely explained or not at all explained. It's just a state and really rushed, if you wanna see this because of the rating, the memes, the reviews or just because you believe in giving things a shot before judging it then go ahead and see it. I've done my job by talking about it, all you have to do is decide whether you want to see it or not. Peace out guys, love ya.

This is just my opinion and if you disagree then that's great, I'm open to discussion and I'm always interested to hear how you feel about this film. This is also a critique which is considered "Fair Use" under the Copyright Act 1976. If you like this film please go and support its creators by buying tickets to go see it in cinemas / buying the DVD or Bluray when the time comes.