Top 10 films released in 2017

Hella late to the party but here we are.


I'm more than aware I've not been doing this for the entirety of 2017, but, I have been watching films since...God, I don't know. Point is, just because I've seen a film in the cinema, doesn't mean I've written about it on here, why? It's either because I've not had the time or there wasn't much to talk about, or I saw it before I started this blog. I mean I only saw one film before I started this and yes it is going to be on the list.

So let's get to it, top 10 films I've seen this year, I've rewatched all (well...most) of them again and this is the best of what I saw, not that there was much of anything incredible that I saw but you know.

1. Split       &       Get Out                I know I shouldn't have put two at my number one spot but Split and Get Out were two of the biggest films from the start of this year and I just couldn't really decide which is worth the top spot more than the other. And don't be like "Well it can't be a top spot if there's two things in it." Yes there can. It's my blog, my list, I decide.
   
   
   Back to the point, Split was an absolutely phenomenal return for the "king of twists" M. Night Shyamalan. Headed by the versatile James Macavoy and ended with the most prolific bald actor in Hollywood, Bruce Willis. Definitely have a peek at the multiple personality film that put Shyamalan back on top of his game.
   
   
   Next it's Get Out and this is a fantastic horror film about race that is not at all pretentious and not slamming anybody of any skin colour. Brilliantly written and performed with some darkish humour in there too, keep in mind this was written, produced and directed by Jordan Peele who is most known for his comedy with Keegan-Michael Key.
   
   
   ***Edit: it's gross that Get Out was snubbed by the Golden Globes, in the words of good ol' Latrice Royale: Good God Get A Grip Girl!***
   
   
   Both of these films are incredible and you should definitely go watch them where you can.                                                                                                  
2. IT (2017)                                                                                                                                           I watched this back the other night with Ben and it's as good as I remember it, but it's got it's problems. Maybe I'll do a Youtube series revisiting my old cinema reviews and be able to fully pick film apart. Regardless of it's problems, it's still good, except for when it's not, the story flows, except for when it doesn't, the CGI works, except for when it doesn't. It's a genuinely well made film with a lot of effort put in but it just feels like one of those films that is made specifically for the big screen. Also, after watching it back, I was able to get clarification on a few things and settle some of my thoughts on it. I have also read the beginning part of the book where Georgie is killed and it doesn't explain that Georgie was tormented by this clown like his brother and the other kids. Guess Pennywise was just starving. Overall, it's a good film and if you're down to watch it then you should, if you don't like clowns then I wouldn't bother.                                    
3. Detroit                                                                                                                               Another film based on race? Why? This one's based on a true story and when I watched it back I stopped breathing at some points. That's all you need to go check this out. If you need more convincing here we go:
   
   
   It's intense
   Based on a true story
   Genuinely got me to stop breathing
   Go see ittttt!!!!!!!!!
           
4. Atomic Blonde                                                                              
   This one kinda flew under the radar for a lot of people and that's a shame. It's a good spy film with a couple of twists and turns you see coming and some that you don't. The film stars Charlize Theron and James Macevoy with a few appearences from Bill Skarsgård, Pennywise from IT if you're struggling to place him, and John Goodman. It's so so so good and you need to see it.                                                  
5. Valerian and the City of A Thousand Planets                                                                     Cara Delavigne can't act, the plot's kind of a mess but the rest of the film is great. The effects and designs and worlds and ideas are just so good that if that's all you pay attention to, you're in for a wild ride. It's worth the watch for the plot if you like messy plots that are full of nothing or if you like Cara but that's not for me. Go check it out though because a lot of critics slammed this film and it didn't deserve that. Go give it a cult following and sort that out. I've read a lot of things claiming this to be a passion project of director Luc Besson and it should at least be recognised and looked at for that alone.           
6. The Ritual                                                                                                         
   Why did nobody see this? I want answers damn it! This was barely advertised and barely watched and barely talked about and that is so stressful. Is it because it's not an action packed, gory, suspenseful horror? Is it because it's pretty calm and almost an homage to The Blaire With Project and M Night Shyamalan's The Village? Is it because it's an English cast?  I hope not because that's just rude.
   
   
   You really should watch this, it's so good and I can't even express how disappointed I am that nobody went to see this or talked about it. Shame. Shame on all of you.                           
7. Guardians of the Galaxy 2                                                                                                           I mean...obviously. It's Guardians 2. It's only so low on the list because of how predictable it was to someone who knows nothing about the stories or comics or anything.     
8. The Lego Batman Movie                                                                                                          The Lego Movie was pretty sick and the best character from that film got his own movie? Of course that's on the list. It's only so low because at times it was predictable but wasn't fun in its predictablility. That's it, although it does get a lot of points for slamming Suicide Squad.
    
9. Spider-Man Homecoming                      Another Marvel movie, another spot on the list. The reason this one is so low is because the villain, though portrayed by the best Batman, Michael Keaton, is a little boring sometimes and that's sad. I would also like some sort of short backstory as to how Spider-Man became Spider-Man. I get this one didn't want to harp on the backstory too much and pick up where it could but...some origin story for someone who didn't know anything would be nice. Don't make the whole movie about it, just maybe like a Previously in the Marvel Cinematic Universe... Y'know?
   
   
   Should watch it regardless of that though.
                                                                                     
10. Jumanji                                                                         Not as terrible as it looked and is a decent update on the Robin Williams classic. Very predictable and can run jokes into the ground, but a lot of the jokes are funny. It's got a really good cast of The Rock, Kevin Hart, Jack Black, Nick Jonas and Karen Gillan. I don't think that this is a remake, or a reboot, more a sequel. A lot of people told me it was a remake and that was a lie. This is most likely a sequel but it could also stand on it's own as a decent film about a game.
    
    
    Check it out in cinema's while you can, if not wait for it to come to DVD or Bluray.                                                            

If this is the best that 2017 can give me then I'm so down to watch what 2018 can give us. I hope it's better but if it's not, we got some decent things so...it can't be that bad.


Stay warm in the cold guys, stay hydrated and I'm out. Peace.


This is just my opinion and if you disagree then that's great, I'm open to discussion and I'm always interested to hear how you feel about the films listed. This is also a critique which is considered "Fair Use" under the Copyright Act 1976. If you like the films listed then go and support its creators by buying the DVD or Bluray.

Transformers: The Last Knight

It's time to stop Mr Bay.

Director: Michael Bay
Writers: Art Marcum (Story and Screenplay)
                Matt Holloway (Story and Screenplay)
                Ken Nolan (Story and Screenplay)
                Akiva Goldsman (Story)
Runtime: Too long for a late night screening - 2hr 29minutes

Plot: Shit was there even one? I'll just take the IMDb one because I really remember nothing about a plot in this film, something about Optimus Prime being evil to save his home planet for this mermaid robot or something but that's just a tool. - Autobots and Decepticons are at war, with humans on the sidelines. Optimus Prime is gone. The key to saving our future lies buried in the secrets of the past, in the hidden history of the Transformers on Earth.

Full disclaimer, I've only seen the Transformers films that have Shia in them and I thought they were alright. They got gradually worse but you see I was never paying attention to any of them, I knew they were terrible so I didn't care about them. This one, however, I did care about, because of Mark Wahlberg. Not for his acting, but his face and body. Don't get me wrong he's a good actor, just...not in this film, he's pretty bland so I think just having him in the film is good enough to get women in the seats. Didn't work in the screening I was in but whatever. Also, I'm aware that what I said was a bit sexist but after the comments made in this film about women, I think I've been given a free pass this once.

Let's get into it then, outside of Wahlberg's body, what else was good? Uh...well it's got a Dr Claw Decepticon and John Goodman is somewhere in there too. That's pretty cool. After looking up who was who I saw that Dr Claw Decepticon was Megatron and I know for a fact that that Decepticon didn't have Dr Claw's voice, so unless he was uncredited for another Transformer for a couple of lines I don't know. I just picked up on it and...I dunno man, I'm just kinda rambling to make this a paragraph.

Moving on from one little ramble to another, it looks like someone wants to connect this universe to the Once Upon A Time series. If you've not seen it and you have some time I suggest you look at it, it's pretty good. All seasons on Netflix. So how's that work out? What evidence do I have? Admittedly, it's not a lot of evidence, but I'm not saying this is gonna be a real theory or whatever but this film involves King Arthur played by Liam Garrigan, who does Garrigan play in Once Upon A Time? King Arthur. that's all the evidence I have so that means one of two things, this guy either looks like the ideal King Arthur or someone watched the show and thought "bruh, we gotta get this guy".

Right, getting down to it now, the film has all of those Michael Bay things such as not holding a shot in a fight scene for longer than a fifth of a millisecond, the misogyny, the explosions. But with all that, comes some relatively new things. Such as adding characters, that I think you're meant to care about because they have some sort of connection with other characters which is dumb because to care about characters you have to have more than a couple scenes and have something for these characters to relate to the audience with.

The lack of being able to hold a shot literally gave me a headache and I felt pretty sick and dizzy when the climax finally ended. Throughout all the fighting and shaking camera I couldn't see what the hell was even going on I mean, I get the thing where having the camera move more than humanly possible is to give off the feeling of...panic and such, but whenever I've been in a panic I've been aware of what's going on around me. Maybe I've just not been in a situation where this much panic has taken over my body that I can't fucking see shit but...

The misogyny in this was just...weird, and I mean just outright odd. Of course, there's the complete disregard of the woman's education with a Doctorate, a Philosophy degree and some other stuff and yet her family is written as these women who don't seem to care nor are proud of her for getting all these things, rather they want her to find a man. They look for a man in the personal ads in the paper which...who does that anymore? For real, there are so many online sites they could sign her up for but whatever. This family's weird though like they're excited to find someone who has a dungeon, when she brings back Wahlberg they trash her dead father's office, probably trashing valuable artefacts and papers and such which is bad enough but then shouting practically, out of your mouth, phrases that are obviously meant to sound somewhat sexual like...who shouts that? Then her family get excited that she's brought Mark Wahlberg home (who wouldn't be amirite?) they gather at the bottom of the stairs and listen in, then one of them says she's gonna go up and check on them like...honey no, don't do that. There's a scene where she gets kidnapped by Anthony Hopkins Transformer car which she has apparently been driving for a while, but that's whatever. She's smart enough to try and free herself and she's wearing a cute and professional pants suit. Why is the pants suit relevant? Because when she gets to Hopkins castle, she fights the Transformer and in the next scene she enters in a dress which literally shows off half of her bra. Where did Hopkins get that dress from? How did he know her size? Why is half of her bra showing??? Gross.

The explosions are...overused at best, nothing all that great. Spoiler!! There is an explosion in which it hits the ground right next to where Hopkins is stood, I'm not sure if it actually hits him or not but he gets thrown a few feet in the air and dies quietly and seemingly painlessly. I reject that. He died when that explosion hit. He died on impact when he hit the floor. He was dead long before his death scene. If the explosion hit him he was dead then, blown to pieces. He was not thrown a few feet in the air. Fuck that.

Another insult to basic science is in one little moment that I just...I can't let it go. The planet Cybertron is getting closer to Earth and in the process, practically destroys the moon. No big deal right? NO that's a big deal. The Earth would be fucked. Do you know what the moon does for us? It affects the tides, it lights up the night via reflection of the sun, I think it affects the rotation of the Earth but I'm literally going off GCSE Science here but I know that if we didn't have the moon, if it was destroyed by another planet getting closer and closer to us, Earth is fucked. They say something about destroying something on this other planet but they don't seem to get rid of the actual planet in our atmosphere, in our gravitational pull. Those scientists shouldn't be celebrating. But like I said, I'm going off GCSE Science and I'm probably ignorant to the true effects, I only vaguely know the basics.

Overall, I think it was trash, but that's because this wasn't directed at me. This was directed at the 3 13-year-old boys sat in front of me and they seemed to enjoy it enough. It's not harmful or anything, it's not...the worst thing I've ever seen and trust me, I've seen some really terrible films. Apprently there are 14 more Transformers films already written, one of them tempting Bay to stick around and direct it, but as of writing this is Bay's last time directing a Transformer film. Maybe the next 14 will pick up...

That's it for today, Peace Out.

This is just my opinion and if you disagree then that's great, I'm open to discussion and I'm always interested to hear how you feel about this film. This is also a critique which is considered "Fair Use" under the Copyright Act 1976. If you like this film please go and support its creators by buying tickets to go see it in cinemas / buying the DVD or Bluray when the time comes.

The Mummy (2017)

This is...interesting to say the least.

Director: Alex Kurtzman
Writers: David Koepp (Screenplay)
               Christopher McQuarrie (Screenplay)
               Dylan Kussman (Screenplay)
               Jon Spaihts (Screen Story)
               Alex Kurtzman (Screen Story)
               Jenny Lumet (Screen Story)
Runtime: 1hr 50minutes

Plot: I don't know, can't even really call it a reboot or anything because it's such a state. 

This was such a mess of a film, I really don't know what I can say about it other than it shouldn't have been called The Mummy, more like Tom Cruise gets into situations where he definitely should have died but didn't...with Ancient Egyptian Gods and zombies that look like they're from The Walking Dead. I know that's a mouthful but it's definitely a better title. I'm not sure what I can compliment about this film but I'm gonna try my best.

Easily the best thing in this film is the mummy herself, Sofia Boutella. I was watching Kingsmen (underrated film, might talk about it sometime) and she's fab in that and she's just as great if not better here. It's a shame that she was given a lead role in this because even though she's great, I don't feel like her talent was fully utilised and it's a shame because more people need to be aware of her. The design of her character is pretty cool too like the split eye thing is one of the coolest things I've seen in ages, the "tattoo's" covering her body are alright but the way they're put onto her looks cool as hell, even if it is CGI. She also has a very interesting backstory that feels rushed as hell, if they'd spent a little extra time on it, it could have been so much better than what it was.

Now on to the bad. Fuck me there's so much...

There seems to be a sort of competition as to who can give off the best British accent, Tom Cruise slips in and out of an English accent, Russel Crowe does it, Annabelle Wallis (Jenny) does it, and I think that Jenny is from England but...God, you really can't tell half the time.

There are zombies in this. Fuck knows why they went with the classic zombie design for some of some of Ahmanet's followers? Is that what they were? Shit, I don't know, all I know is that they're there, and they're really Walking Dead inspired, I'm nowhere near up to date on that show but I've kept up with the memes and I know who's dead, but I'm definitely aware of what the zombies on that show look like and someone in the design team must like that show because damn baby, that's too similar. When we were on our way home, Ben mentioned that some of the skeletons in an underwater scene had air bubbles coming from their mouths, signifying that they're breathing and during that scene I think I was more focused on this spot I'm getting on the bridge of my nose so I wasn't paying too much attention to it, but I think I saw something like that. If anyone's seen this and wants to confirm it then let me know ok?

"What were you talking about when you said Tom Cruise gets into situations where he should have died but didn't?" Sweet child, I'm getting there. Tom Cruise in this film gets flung about in near enough every direction and at almost every single thing imaginable. At one point during the climax, Ahmanet picks him up and throws him against this cement coffin thing, I don't think Tomb is the right word but we're gonna roll with what we got. As I said, she fully launches him towards this thing, and he hits it neck first and gets up ready to continue to the fight like...excuse me? Sweetie? You're dead after that. I don't care, you're dead. Another point in the climax she launches him and he hits it stomach first and goes limp, that alone should have at least busted his inner organs. Good fuck I mean...she puts some power into it and he hits this solid, cement block thing at no less than 50mph. He's dead or fatally injured. There's a lot more than that but those are the ones that stood out. There is a thin excuse for this, that being that Ahmanet has chosen Nick (Cruise) to be her "chosen one" to be the vessel for an Ancient Egyptian God of death...I think? And that protects him but...there's only so much power you can have before you think "time to put the boy out of his misery."

Russel Crowe. Russel Crowe plays Dr Henry Jekyll and Eddie Hyde. Yes. That Jekyll and Hyde. I'm not 100% certain how subtle they wanted to be when pushing this "evil vs humanity" thing that I think they were trying to push but...it's close to jumping the shark. Like...they almost jumped the shark but they kinda jumped, misjudged it and landed on the shark. What the hell does Jekyll & Hyde have to do with The Mummy? This is a reboot of the Brendan Frasier film right? Why is this character (characters if you wanna pick at hairs) even in a film that's supposed to deal with a nasty ass Ancient Egyptian? I just don't get it. Also, I've not read the book in a while and I'm sure the only thing I've ever seen to do with this character (characters) was in Extraordinary League of Gentlemen so...not much in film, but I'm sure that Jekyll "created" Hyde by fucking about and creates a potion allowing him to act on his nasty desires without the guilt? But the thing is, Jekyll here has a kind of injection to stop himself becoming the monster. Also, by giving his nasty side the name Hyde he can also escape the consequences of acting on said desires, yet here, both Jekyll and Hyde are fairly horrible people except Jekyll tries to justify it and Hyde tries to create an alliance. I just don't get the point in having this character in this film, it just raises so many questions that we're never gonna get answered.

Finally, there's a gross amount of sequel baiting at the end of this, I think it's Crowe who delivers the closing speech of the film about death and power and humanity vs evil and it's a jumbled mess, however, the way it's done, they're clearly sequel baiting but you see...this film (at the time of writing this) is at a solid 16% on Rotten Tomatoes so nobody is getting a sequel unless it becomes a cult classic years down the line and a sequel will be talked about when all these actors are eligible to claim their pensions. Don't sequel bait unless you have a genuinely solid film...actually no, just don't sequel bait, never sequel bait, you look greedy as hell.

There's also a moment in which an English man calls Tom Cruise a "wanker" after stepping out in front of his car or something, but like...having been English and living in England for the whole of my 19 years on Earth, the only time I've ever heard anyone call anyone else a wanker was when I was in school. Nobody calls anybody wanker anymore, we just call each other cunt. At least up North we do...down South they probably don't butttttttttttt we don't know exactly where in England they were when this happened so, we don't know what language that area uses. Plus I don't think censors would allow that word in film, which is sad, it's my favourite word outside bint and chourfleur, which is French for cauliflower. Why is that one of my favourite words? Because it's literally the only thing I've taken out of GCSE French, a class I didn't want to take but because of the options that we were given when choosing classes, I was stuck with it. Half the class probably didn't wanna do it but I wanted to do Drama and Spanish but couldn't because of a timetable clash and obviously, Drama won out. I might just write about my annoying experiences at school because I think it could be fun to write about and hopefully you'll enjoy it. It'd be different but I would be talking about my Drama classes too so it'll fit with the theme of the blog. Ramble over. Nobody calls anybody wanker anymore. Moving on.

While we were on our way home, I was thinking that this could have been better perceived if it wasn't attached to The Mummy franchise. It'd still be terrible but maybe not as bad as it is with this franchise attached to it. I dunno, maybe I'll go and see it again and try to disconnect the older films from this one, but just from this first viewing, I'd say that overall, this film was just a mess of different things that are either barely explained or not at all explained. It's just a state and really rushed, if you wanna see this because of the rating, the memes, the reviews or just because you believe in giving things a shot before judging it then go ahead and see it. I've done my job by talking about it, all you have to do is decide whether you want to see it or not. Peace out guys, love ya.

This is just my opinion and if you disagree then that's great, I'm open to discussion and I'm always interested to hear how you feel about this film. This is also a critique which is considered "Fair Use" under the Copyright Act 1976. If you like this film please go and support its creators by buying tickets to go see it in cinemas / buying the DVD or Bluray when the time comes.

Disney and The Gay Agenda - Part 2

DON'T READ IF YA DON'T WANT SPOILERS

Alright so, you remember how a few weeks ago people were kicking off about LeFou, the absolute main icon of Disney's wholesome values that cannot ever be touched, was going to be a gay character? Of course you do. Do you remember my last post about this where I was saying that it doesn't even matter unless it damages the film itself? No? Go read it then come back here.

https://somegirltalksaboutmovies.blogspot.co.uk/2017/03/disney-gay-agenda.html
(Also go look at my review for the film https://somegirltalksaboutmovies.blogspot.co.uk/2017/03/beauty-beast-2017.html )

You read it? Good, we can continue. You wanna know how changing the very core of Disney from a straight man to a gay man went? It barely fucking did anything. LeFou (Josh Gad) showed the same blatant signs of attraction that the cartoon did but in a different and very slightly more obvious way. There were scenes in which LeFou quite literally copied Gaston (Luke Evans) and it's in a way cute, in another way funny and in another kinda creepy. But you know what those lists say; if you want your crush to notice you, copy some of the little things they do to get their attention. This, of course, didn't work for poor little LeFou, then he sticks up for Gaston in the bar when Maurice (Kevin Klein) accuses him of attempted murder. LeFou then breaks into well-known song Gaston and yes, that is the name of the song, I looked it up on about 4 different sites. During this song, LeFou shows his affection toward Gaston and this is the biggest clue that this character is probably in the closet, and this is probably the start of the whole "LEFOU IS GAY LIGHT THE PITCHFORKS" thing. The rest of his scenes essentially follow the original story.

However, during the fight scene at the end, he gets flattened by a table, it's not the lovely dog/footstool table, it's just a coffee table that comes out for the fight. He pleads Gaston for help but, Gaston being the dick he always was, leaves him in pursuit of the Beast. Later during the fight, Mrs Potts sees Mr Potts, a man I never knew existed in the original movie. I guess he had to exist in some way for Chip to be born but, it's just weird to see him. Back to the point, though. Mrs Potts sees her estranged husband and falls, as she's falling, you almost think she's going to smash into pieces on the floor, but you see her get caught. Who catches her? Your favourite french fool, LeFou. Mrs Potts asks why he caught her and isn't he on the other side? He replies that he and Gaston are going through a rough patch like someone would say if they're in a fight with their partner. Mrs Potts then goes on to say something along the lines of either "You don't need him love" or  "you can do better love" or maybe both, it's been 2 days since I watched it and I can't remember every line spoken. Sue me. Also, during this fight scene, Madame Garderobe (Audra McDonald) clothes three men, I'm not even joking she showers them in clothes and they come out fully done up, makeup and wigs and gorgeous dresses. Two of these men scream in terror and run out but one of them just smiles and looks so happy and just walks away. It's a cute moment and at the time it looks like a silly throwaway joke or something but it goes somewhere.

Now then, you'll notice there's nothing particularly gay about any of this. I've described a pretty camp character and crossdresser. That can't be it, right? There was such a build-up, where's the butt plugs? The anal beads? The dildo-headed, leather gimp suits? Where's even the tiniest gay moment? You wanna know where it is? Right at the very end and lasts less than a second. Literally. After everyone gets returned to their human form there's the final reprise of Tale as old as time and everyone is having fun in the ballroom dancing, and loving life. There's a shot of LeFou dancing with a young woman and it cuts away to someone else dancing or Emma Thompson singing. Again I'm not sure, I barely remember the details shot by shot. It then cuts back to LeFou dancing with this woman, he then pushes her aside and starts dancing with the man from earlier who was happy in the dress. There's your gay moment guys. LeFou dances with a guy. We're off to hell guys, we watched the gayest thing two men can do together. Dance.

I'm not even joking, that was the "exclusively gay moment". So...did it matter? No. Why was there such a hype over it to the point where I was expecting anal beads and dildo-headed gimp suits? Personally, I think the creators knew that controversy sells and that they didn't have enough confidence in their product. This was simply a marketing ploy and a cheap one at that. I can't lie, I'm hurt by this. Why couldn't the creators go balls to the wall and have him actually explore his sexuality rather than be overly affectionate toward Gaston. Seeing a character just explore who they are would be nice at least but this whole thing just seemed like such a last minute thing that you wonder what even triggered the need to put it in.

Personally, I think it was the desperate need for representation of everyone that some people have these days. People want more women, gay people, trans people and ethnic people represented in film, and that's understandable, but why put these characters in these films just for the sake of representation? If you're just throwing these characters in without thought, for a controversy storm to start up and bring in an audience that...considering that this is A) a Disney product B) a remake of a perfect piece of film and C) a big thing because of the cast they managed to get, there really is no need to create such a storm. This really does show the confidence the makers had in this film. They knew that no matter what, this was going to be a bad film compared to this first one and they had to do whatever they could to get butts into seats. Like I said, this is an iconic property and the film would have been the exact same without it.

I really don't know what else to say about it, there was no need to put in an "exclusively gay moment" that didn't even exist. I'm offended because they had a great shot at a character exploring their sexuality to normalise it for kids and they bitched out of it. It would have been nice to have this little side plot with LeFou rather than filling our time with 4 pointless songs that stopped the film or the unnecessary exposition with Belle's mother dying of plague (don't come at me, you had a spoiler warning). This could have at least made the film it's own thing. In that respect, the Cinderella remake was better because at least it tried to be its own thing. It made the product worse in doing so but at least they tried. With this? It's a shot for shot remake of the cartoon with more exposition that just stops the film. That doesn't change my opinion on it, I do still like the film, I went in with low expectations and they were met, that's all I asked for with this remake.

I know that this is all over the place and honestly...this whole thing was kind of all over the place, there was no need for a petition to be made before anybody saw it. There was no need for anyone to ban this from their theatre before they even saw it. There was no need to cause a media storm over nothing. I hope someone from Disney or someone in film at least, sees this and the many other peoples complaints about there not being a gay moment and I hope they take it on board and think about what they're going to do and why they're going to do it. I'm so sick of thing just being shoehorned into films just for the sake of advertisement. Do it because the story needs it or you feel it's something that needs to be talked about. All it says about you is that you're not confident in your work if you have to either shoehorn something in *cough cough female ghostbusters* or just flat out lie to your audience.

I'm pissy about this, peace out and have a good day guys.

Beauty & The Beast (2017)

If it's not Baroque, don't fix it - Cogsworth (1991)

Director: Bill Condon
Writers: Stephen Chbosky 
                Evan Spiliotopoulos


To start off, I kinda didn't want to even watch this...well actually I was in two minds as to whether I wanted to or not because growing up, Beauty & The Beast was one of my absolute favourite films. I identified with Belle way more than I did any other princess because Belle was a dedicated reader and I was too at the time. Anytime I felt like I was starting to lose interest in reading I'd end up watching it and I'd be inspired.

Fast forward to somewhere in 2016 and I find a cast list for a live-action version of one of my favourite films and the cast looked damn good, Emma Watson as Belle? Ideal casting. I was excited and worried at the same time, I'd seen the live-action Cinderella and Jungle Book and in updating these films they, in some ways, made them worse. They were good don't get me wrong...one more than the other but that's a different conversation. The point is, I'd seen how these had gone down and my hopes for Beauty & The Beast were still high but...I was ready to be disappointed.

Then came the trailers, they mimicked the original trailer which of course was a good idea. Bring in the older crowd by showing them what they remember from the original, and bringing in the newer crowd that probably have never seen a 2D animated feature before, and of course with the title Beauty & The Beast...first full-length animated feature film to be nominated for best picture at the Academy Awards plus the nostalgia factor PLUS they're also pulling in the Harry Potter crowd because Hermione Granger is in this. Goldmine really, can't see why they didn't do it sooner. So I saw that trailer and thought, y'know what, this looks pretty good, and obviously the film itself would have changes, but this is a good start. Then came the trailers with Emma singing, the reveal of The Beast, melding some of the original scenes with some new scenes and I just lost more and more faith in this.

Thinking about it really, this could be the first live-action film to be nominated for best animated picture, what with the amount of CG in it. The CGI looks...very CGI. I mean it's not the worst but...I'm just not a big fan of CGI, I've seen it too much and it's gotten to the point where whenever I see it, it automatically takes me out of what I'm watching because I know what I'm seeing isn't really there. If it was blended better or there were more practical effects used like...for example hairy beast makeup for Dan Stevens. Kind of like what they did for Jim Carrey in The Grinch but not as heavy y'know? And then use CG in places where it's needed. I honestly don't understand why CGI gets used for almost everything. It seems lazy and I don't understand why there isn't all that much effort put into it. Again, conversation for another day. Although I will say, the Be Our Guest number looks so beautiful I got goosebumps, this is probably the one place I'll say this version did it better than the original.

So the first thing I noticed about this was that the colour blue was...everywhere. Which is an odd thing to pick up on its own but if you think back to the animated film, the only two people to wear that colour is Belle and The Beast (the prince's name is Adam by the way, not sure why that's such a hidden thing, just a quick Google search away). The reason for this was to distinguish these characters from the rest of the cast. The colour blue is to make a connection between the two "outsider" characters making it easier for us to see them together. I feel like here, it's a featured colour because it was somebodies favourite. Can't blame them, blue is a gorgeous colour and it also happens to be mine so...But yeah, I'm not entirely sure why this even bothers me because it really shouldn't, it's an artistic choice and it works but...nostalgic bias wins I guess.

The story, for the most part, is pretty good. I mean, they follow the original tale in some places, with Maurice (Kevin Kline) going to the market and Belle (Emma Watson) asking him to bring her a rose. In other places. the film follows the animated film almost perfectly and in other places the story just fucking stops for some unnecessary exposition about Belle's and The Beasts mothers, like...who needs to know that? Film is a visual medium, y'know, show don't tell. If we get the characters emotions across in this part of their lives and enough exposition about getting to this point in the story is given then, who even cares? I always just assumed that Belle's mother was banished just like the rest of the Disney mothers but...nope, you find out what happened to her in a completely bullshit way.

The music? Mostly pretty good, almost everyone here does a good job at what they're doing, Emma sounds like she could have needed a couple more sessions with a vocal coach but she does well enough. Not like I'm one to talk about someone's singing voice when I sound like an Elephant Seal getting sodomised and mutilated at the same time but...take it or leave it like. There were songs in this that weren't in the original such as Forever More which is a lovely enough song and would be great in a broadway play but seems fairly out of place here for some reason. I mean it's beautifully shot and genuinely moved me but I just felt like the film had a more...powerful moment in place of the song. In fact, about 3 songs could have been cut from this and put into a broadway adaptation and it would have been better there. I will say again, the Be Our Guest section was so fucking good, I was dreading it but they put all of their effort and more into that number and fuck it pays off. However, there are lyrics changed but that's to better suit the story rather than change the song. All that's changed is from "10 years we've been rusting" to "Too long we've been rusting" and honestly, considering all I do is bitch, this was actually something I cannot bitch about.

So how did I feel about this? Well, if I had to give it a number out of 10, I'd give it a 5/10. That's nothing to do with the film being bad or anything because it's not. It's actually the best live-action Disney remake. I mean I'd give Cinderella a 1/10 and the Jungle Book a 3/10 but...this was easily the best one and it's the only one where I would consider buying it and letting my (soon-to-be-niece/Goddaughter even though I'm not even related but I've known my bestie for so long and we have gone through so much together that...we've adopted each other at this point) best friends kid watch it and enjoy it with her rather than just putting on a kids film that's crap but harmless because she likes it. Hell, I even encourage you guys to go out and see it. Go on, off ya go. Get your tickets booked. You're still reading this, stop it.
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Ohhh I know why you're still reading, you know about that shit about LeFou and my last post regarding Disney and their gay agenda. Well, you wanna know what that was all about? Fucking nothing. There was so much fucking build up for something so tiny and honestly, I might write about it but it's gonna take a couple days to get my thoughts together on it and I really don't want to mess up while talking about it. That could mean going to see the film again but whatever y'know, I'd pay to see this again and so should you if you like it. Now go, leave me be and watch this movie, or even the original, or read another of my posts, or do whatever you like really because I can't control shit....

Ok I promise I'm done this time.  ̶G̶o̶ ̶s̶e̶e̶ ̶t̶h̶i̶s̶ ̶f̶i̶l̶m̶ ̶t̶h̶o̶

This is just my opinion and if you disagree then that's great, I'm open to discussion and I'm always interested to hear how you feel about this film. This is also a critique which is considered "Fair Use" under the Copyright Act 1976. If you like this film then please go and support its creators by buying the books, buying a ticket to see the film and when the time comes, buy the DVD or Bluray.