Cry-baby

Kylie Jenner, you got some competition for that pout of yours girl.

Director: John Waters
Writer: John Waters

I don't know what the hell I just sat through but let me tell you something, it was one hell of a wild ride. I mean, I almost gave up on making notes because I just couldn't write anything. I mean this in no bad way, honestly, this is a good film. You quickly become aware of the total lack of character development and sense of a logical timeline but Goddamn, you just don't care because of how charming these characters are. Thinking about it, this is a film I should hate. I hate when there's no character development and rushed exposition but here? God I just loved it, it felt believable in the world it was in. Similar to how Romeo & Juliet shouldn't have been believable as a love story yet that seems to be the definitive "true love" story.

Problems? I can only think of two and it's just because I have to pick at something. The antagonist of the movie; Baldwin (Stephen Mailer). This guy starts out as just a generic tit and turns to a much darker and brutal side. Originally, it seems like he's a pretentious guy who thinks that his little suburban bubble of a life is perfect and anyone who isn't a proud "square" is just wrong and should be shunned by society but then it just gets darker, making jokes about how his grandfather flipped the switched on the electric chair and killed Cry-Baby's (Johnny Depp) father, and how the entire family gets together at Christmas dinner and laughs about it. The way it's done is keeping with the tone of the film and how it seems that the suburban people in this world are but it really does seem a little dark. My second problem is that during a scene of hilariously rushed exposition, Cry-Baby rips his shirt open to reveal an electric chair tattoo, later in the film his shirt is wide open and there is no trace of this big chest filling doodle anywhere. That's it for shit to pick at. It's nothing big and really doesn't matter as a part of the film at all.

Positives? Shit me, there's too many pal. I'll give you a top 3 just to talk about something. So, the first positive thing in this is the music. It's very reminiscent of Grease and even though the vocals definitely don't belong to the actors, everyone does a great job of making sure these numbers stay in your head for ages after you've watched it. My absolute favourite song would be Please, Mister Jailer like...God, it's just so fucking dramatic and I tend to love anything that's even a little too dramatic. It's not even a guilty pleasure, I'm just a drama whore. Second positive, how dedicated every single performer is to this script and each of their performances. I mean, fuck just look at the way Hatchet-Face (Kim McGuire) just uses her face in this. She is portrayed as this Jeremy Kyle reject on meth that went on a rampage through a make-up shop and shoving everything she can on her damn face and just could not care because it's self-expression. I swear to God, this woman throws her all into this performance, it's like watching Tim Curry in IT. Except this one was meant to be funny. That hurt to write, I love him but he's the only clown I'm not afraid of due to the fact it's hilarious rather than scary. Gotta dump on that. Good performance, though, maybe I'll look at IT sometime before the new one comes out. I ramble too much and I'm sorry, my third positive is the way this film could sexually awaken anyone. There's a scene in which Cry-Baby is trying to get out of prison and rips his pants off and the beautiful fella is left crawling about in his underwear. You just know that considering how much of a heartthrob Depp was when he was younger, so many young people would be going crazy at a shot of Depp bulge. Don't get me wrong either, Depp is still attractive today but like...c'mon guys, what would you rather? The attractive guy in Nightmare on Elm Street, What's Eating Gilbert Grape and even Ed Wood or that guy who seemed like if your kid won a ticket to tour his chocolate factory, you'd probably call the police? There's a high probability younger people would want the younger Depp than the older Depp. I love a lot of the things Depp has done but I swear if I had kids they're never watching that remake.

So that's the good and the bad and this should be done by now right? Nope, I have a couple of weird things in this. First off, Willem Dafoe is in this as "Hateful Guard". You're probably thinking "what the hell, that's not weird, it's weird that you brought it up but that in itself isn't weird, shut up" and now after reading that you're thinking "shut up, you don't know what I was thinking, I wasn't even thinking that, get to the point." 100% guarantee I was right at least half the time there. Getting to the point, the weird thing about this is that I seem to have a Willem Dafoe-dar. It's like gay-dar except I seem to track Willem Dafoe performances rather than gay people. I'm not sure how I even do it, while I was watching his scene I looked at him and thought "is that Dafoe?" and then I heard his voice and I was just kinda like nah not him, looked at the IMDb and look who the fuck it was. Ya boy Willem Dafoe. This is my talent and I felt like I should let you all know that it still works even though none of you were aware of it.

Second weird thing was how small Johnny Depp's ears are. I know that that's an even weirder thing to notice than Willem Dafoe performances but there are a couple scenes that are on the side of his head and somehow my attention was just drawn to his ear and I don't know if it was some sort of effect or whether he hadn't grown into his ears at the time of filming or he just has tiny ass ears. I dunno but if you watch this you'll 100% notice it.

So I guess this was a fairly short talk about this film and that a little chunk of it was a little weird but that's what this film is, kinda short and a little weird. Will definitely watch it again when I can, it really is just so strange and it shouldn't work as a film yet it just...does. It's genuinely hilarious and it's a shame I didn't watch it the whole way through the first time I saw it. The first time being only the last third of the film because I was at my friend's parents house and I and my friend were having a real bitch and catch-up session in the kitchen so we missed the beginning of the movie which I fully regret and I've told her that if she can, she should borrow it from her parents because it's just a wild ride that you just kinda have to roll with. And you should watch this too, start to finish, don't do what we did. It's now 3:30 am and I'm done writing for now, I'm so ready for bed now.

This is just my opinion and if you disagree then that's great, I'm open to discussion and I'm always interested to hear how you feel about this film. This is also a critique which is considered "Fair Use" under the Copyright Act 1976. If you like this film then go and support it's creators by buying the DVD or Bluray.